6
    Paws Up
    Paws Down
    New Vending machines!
    Lyons Football Team beating Clyde, 26­0!
    Volleyball and X country teams­­league
    champs!
    New teachers.
    Lack of space on student computer drives.
    New pay system in the cafeteria .
    Disclaimer:
    If you are offended by any of this con­
    tent… get over it! It’s supposed to be funny. If
    you have any complaints take it up with my as­
    sociate Chris Polito.
    10. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing
    rubs it in like a computer.
    9. The nice thing about Windows ­ it does not just
    crash; it actually displays a dialogue box and lets
    you press OK first.
    8. Bad command or filename. Go stand in the cor
    ner.
    7. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
    6. Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?
    5. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the
    jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
    4. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they
    are.
    3. There are two major products to come out of
    Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this
    to be a coincidence.
    2. Error: Hit any user to continue.
    1. If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try
    kickboxing.
    The Funny Thing
    About Technology
    Chris Petty, Sophomore
    The Mane Event’s Fun Stuff
    DEEP THOUGHTS
    by Jack Handy
    ­One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I
    was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland,
    but instead I drove him to an old burned­out ware­
    house.
    “Oh, no,”
    I said.
    “Disneyland burned
    down.”
    He cried and cried, but I think that deep
    down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
    to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was get­
    ting pretty late.
    ­It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
    laugh at that man.
    ­A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick
    of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burn­
    ing fuse up to the phone.
    “Hear that?”
    you say.
    “That’s dynamite, baby.”
    1. The courthouse is the biggest building in town.
    (And we have two).
    2. You always have something to read, since the
    police beat is bigger than the phonebook.
    3. You won’t miss your family because the majority
    stays in Lyons.
    4. Reading is optional; most of the signs are color­
    coded or have pictures.
    5. You can leave your kids in Wal­mart if you need a
    babysitter.
    6. Word spreads so fast that people know what’s
    going to happen to someone before they know it.
    7. You’ll never be lonely while pumping gas; there’s
    always a crowd there.
    8. You don’t have to go far to shop; there are about
    four­dollar stores and five drug stores.
    9. You’ll be satisfied to know that you’ll always have
    an experienced teacher because they’re here ten
    years before they pay off their college loan.
    10.We are the chicken BBQ capital; there’s one on
    every corner, every Saturday.
    Reasons Why
    You Don’t Want to
    Leave Lyons
    School Jokes
    1. How do bees get to school?
    2. How do you get straight A’s?
    3. What dessert did Mrs. Marsteiner make?
    4. What did one math book say to the other?
    5. What happened to the plant in math class?
    Answers to
    School Jokes
    1. On the school BUZZ!
    2. By using a ruler!
    3. A Pi!
    4. I have a lot of problems!
    5. It grew square roots!
    Humorous Quotes
    *Half of the people in the world are below average.
    (Anonymous)
    *Writing about music is like dancing about architec
    ture. (Anonymous)
    *On a tombstone: “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK”
    (Anonymous)
    *Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring,
    wedding ring, and suffering. (Anonymous)
    *“Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a
    comforting thought for those people who can’t re
    member where they leave things.” (Anonymous)
    *Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ....
    (Anonymous)
    *Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
    (Anonymous)
    “When you come to a fork in the road, take it”
    ­ Yogi Berra
    *“If you don’t know where you are going, you will
    wind up somewhere else!” (Yogi Berra)
    *When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
    covering me up. (Rodney Dangerfield)
    * I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath
    toys were a toaster and a radio. (Rodney
    Dangerfield)
    *My father carries around the picture of the kid
    who came with his wallet. (Rodney Dangerfield)
    *My mother had morning sickness after I was
    born. (Rodney Dangerfield)
    ­A Sultan’s wife is called a Sultana.
    ­Yuma, Arizona has the most sunny days of any
    locale in USA. On average, each year there are
    332 sunny days.
    ­In Italy, a man can be arrested if he wears a skirt
    in public.
    ­On average, a person laughs about 15 times each
    day.
    ­Tuesday is the most productive day of the working
    week.
    ­One beaver can cut down 216 trees a year.
    ­Althaiophobia is the fear of marshmallows.
    ­500,000 tons of dog excrement are dumped
    annually on the streets of Paris.
    ­The official color of Lisa Simpsons’ dress is RGB
    255,54,15.
    Useless Trivia
    Funny Fotos

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