3
MANE EVENT
FEATURES
If you are planning on going to the army, air force,
or whatever remember these ten rules.
10.
The easy way is always mined.
9.
War does not determine who is right. War de
termines who is left.
8.
The only thing more accurate than incoming
enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
7.
It is not known with what weapon World War
III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought
with sticks and stones.
6
. All fivesecond grenade fuses burn down in
three seconds.
5.
Never forget: your weapon was made by the
lowest bidder.
4
. The enemy diversion you were ignoring was
the main attack.
3.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over
the area you just bombed.
2.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart
enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it,
and lucky enough to survive.
1.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
Shadows in the Light
Shadows in the Light
Shadows in the Light
Shadows in the Light
Shadows in the Light
Part 1
I slinked down the dark ally. It was just
me and the click of my heels on the ground. I
looked up and down Fifth Avenue, but I could see
nothing but a slight fog hanging over the street.
Good, I thought, Now I won t be
seen. But then again, who wanders the streets
at midnight?
I crept out of the ally and onto Fifth Av
enue. I seemed to have stepped in the pathway of
a cool autumn breeze. The air made my auburn
hair tingle. I smiled. I loved the clean, crisp air of
autumn. I must admit I was rather fond of these
types of things, perhaps the reason why I loved
Nolan Brown. For a moment, I lost my awareness
that I was out alone at midnight and enjoyed the
fresh scent of leaves turned red and gold. Sud
denly, a stack of
Frank s Seafood
crates tipped
over behind me in the ally. I jumped, and my mind
returned to the present moment. I quickly looked
behind me. Was I being watched?
It was nothing,
I said to myself.
I m
just making myself nervous.
I continued walking down the street, once
more guided by the clicking of my heels on the
ground. My heart was beating like the wings of a
hummingbird. I began to feel lightheaded, too
lightheaded to walk any further. I decided to sit
down on a bench beneath the nearest streetlight.
I felt like steam was going to whistle out of my
ears at any moment. As I sat on the bench, I be
gan to think. I wasn t doing anything wrong or
was I? What does a girl do when her mind is over
flowing with thoughts? I had to think about them,
that s what. I wasn t going to go any further until
I had. I tilted my head back closed my eyes.
To be continued...
To be continued...
To be continued...
To be continued...
To be continued...
Before I begin, here s a little disclaimer: This per
tains to religion. Specifically, the Catholic religion.
Whereas I don t view religion as a taboo, some do, so I
will be as kind as possible and honestly say this: I am
not
bashing, badmouthing, or slandering Catholics or
the Catholic religion. I am, however, poking fun at
whoever wrote this RIDICULOUS document. I used
to simply assume that most religious folk were wise
and kind, accepting all who live on the planet; in fact, it s
one of the commandmends:
Thou Shalt Love Thy
Neighbor
. Apparently, the individual(s) who produced
this particular test skipped that commandment. Pre
pare to laugh. My comments are not in bold. The test
itself, however, is.
1.
Listed below are some warning signs to
indicate if your child may have gone astray from
the Lord. Gothic (or Goth) is a very obscure and
often dangerous culture that young teenagers are
prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads
young, susceptible minds into an imagined world
of evil darkness, and violence. Please seek imme
diate attention through counseling, prayer, and pa
rental guidance to rid your child of Satan s
temptatiions if five or more of the following are
applicable to your child.
Hee. Even the introduction got me excited. I
knew I was about to read the single most ignorant cre
ation ever to grace the earth.
2. Frequently wears black clothing.
Honestly, if you learn anything from me, it s that
clothes don t make a person. They seem to disregard
the fact that most
priests
wear black, proving my state
ment even further.
3. Wears band and/or rock tshirts.
Hah! Rock always seems to get the short end of
the stick here. Do they never listen to a single rap lyric?
Personally, I think rap is far more profane and dirty
than any rock song (there are exceptions, and I do like
rap, I am just making a point so don t get yourselves
into a tizzy). Don t even get me started on all the innu
endo weaved into pop music.
4. Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick,
or nail polish.
Well, there is definitely
something
wrong with your
kid if they think black lipstick looks good (it just does
not work for about 90% of those who wear it) but
there s nothing wrong with a little eyeliner! Going by
this logic, if you wear white nail polish, you ve got a
free pass through the pearly gates. Please. Colors don t
mean a thing, whether it s skin, clothes, or makeup.
5. Shows an interest in piercing or tattoos.
Well, that leaves just about 10% of the popula
tion nongoth according to this. What if it s a tattoo or
an earring of a cross?
6. Complains of boredom. Sleeps too exces
sively or too little. Is excessively awake during the
night. Demands an unusual amount of privacy. Re
quests time alone and quietness
. (This is so that your
child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
7. Insists on spending time with friends while
unaccompanied by an adul
t.
Heh, no offense to parents and adults, but we
teens would like to hang out with our friends
without
some parent hovering over us. It s awkward, and to let
you in on a secret, most of us swear whether you know
it or not. Most of us know more than you think. Al
most all of us have a dirty sense of humor. Hang out
time would basically be a silent hour with awkward
conversations if a parent or adult were nearby.
8. Disregards authority figures; teachers,
priests, nuns and elders are but a
few examples of this.
Oh come now, no adult on the planet can deny
being rebellious in school. They should know from per
sonal experience kids hate being told what to do.
9. Eats excessively or too little
Well, that takes up the remaining 10%. Yep. All of
America is nothing but evil Goths. Evil Goths with
cheetos, donuts, and cheesecake...
10. Eats gothrelated foods. Count Chocula ce
real is an example of this.
It was at this point where I had to walk away
before I had an aneurysm. I suppose Franken and Boo
Berry are conspiring with him, and only angel s food
cake can save the day
11.Watches cable television or any other cor
rupted media sources. (Ask your local church for
proper programs your child may watch.)
If you don t want television to mess up your kid,
try being a good parent and teach them the difference
between reality and fiction. They ll know you can t just
throw open a trench coat and take out an endless sup
ply of weapons and watch television for what it is and
supposed to be:
ENTERTAINMENT.
Anyone who
takes it for more than that should not be allowed within
ten miles of a television set.
12. Uses the Internet excessively and fre
quently makes time for the computer.
This takes out most college kids and every teen
ager on the planet basically.
13. Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently
shakes head to music.
Again the writer is associating rock with the
devil. It s called HeadBanging, by the way. Most teens
that draw satanic symbols do it for attention. And what
have I said before, class? Everyone knows the best at
tention is Negative Attention! Very good. Moving on.
14. Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
I was wondering when they were going to put
this in here. Allow me to give those who agree with this
a bit of valuable information:
I watch IFC a lot, and it is filled with lots of great
independent films and film shorts. One film short that I
love to death is a spoof of the old government PSA
about how bad it is to be gay, and it is called
Shame
No More
. They even filmed it in black and white. The
film starts out normal, set in Cherry Creek, but you
notice one odd thing right away: everyone is in same
sex relationships. The entire film is based on a reversed
universe where it s a bad thing to be straight. As I
watched the first few minutes of this, I thought to my
self,
This is so absurd!
And I stopped. It was absurd. See, they reversed
the gay/straight thing on purpose. You find it com
pletely absurd that one would think it a sin to love an
other from the opposite sex. And if you still believe it s
wrong to be gay and still agree with what I have just
said, you are a hypocrite.
Think about that.
If five or more of the above apply to your
child, please intervene immediately. The
gothic culture is dangerous, and Satan thrives
within it. If any of these problems persist,
enlist your child into your local mental health
center.
(St. Mary s Catholic Church)
Your Friendly
Neighborhood Ranter
The Goth T
The Goth T
The Goth T
The Goth T
The Goth T
est
est
est
est
est
Danielle Mammano, Junior
The Funny Thing
The Funny Thing
The Funny Thing
The Funny Thing
The Funny Thing
About War
About War
About War
About War
About War
Chris Petty, Sophomore
Gregory Maddock, Sophomore
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