3
    MANE EVENT
    FEATURES
    If you are planning on going to the army, air force,
    or whatever remember these ten rules.
    10.
    The easy way is always mined.
    9.
    War does not determine who is right. War de­
    termines who is left.
    8.
    The only thing more accurate than incoming
    enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
     
    7.
    It is not known with what weapon World War
    III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought
    with sticks and stones.
    6
    . All five­second grenade fuses burn down in
    three seconds.
    5.
    Never forget: your weapon was made by the
    lowest bidder.
    4
    . The enemy diversion you were ignoring was
    the main attack.
    3.
    It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over
    the area you just bombed.
    2.
    A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart
    enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it,
    and lucky enough to survive.
    1.
    When in doubt, empty your magazine.
    Shadows in the Light
    Shadows in the Light
    Shadows in the Light
    Shadows in the Light
    Shadows in the Light
    Part 1
    I slinked down the dark ally. It was just
    me and the click of my heels on the ground. I
    looked up and down Fifth Avenue, but I could see
    nothing but a slight fog hanging over the street.
    Good, I thought, Now I won t be
    seen. But then again, who wanders the streets
    at midnight?
    I crept out of the ally and onto Fifth Av­
    enue. I seemed to have stepped in the pathway of
    a cool autumn breeze. The air made my auburn
    hair tingle. I smiled. I loved the clean, crisp air of
    autumn. I must admit I was rather fond of these
    types of things, perhaps the reason why I loved
    Nolan Brown. For a moment, I lost my awareness
    that I was out alone at midnight and enjoyed the
    fresh scent of leaves turned red and gold. Sud­
    denly, a stack of
    Frank s Seafood
    crates tipped
    over behind me in the ally. I jumped, and my mind
    returned to the present moment. I quickly looked
    behind me. Was I being watched?
    It was nothing,
    I said to myself.
    I m
    just making myself nervous.
    I continued walking down the street, once
    more guided by the clicking of my heels on the
    ground. My heart was beating like the wings of a
    hummingbird. I began to feel lightheaded, too
    lightheaded to walk any further. I decided to sit
    down on a bench beneath the nearest streetlight.
    I felt like steam was going to whistle out of my
    ears at any moment. As I sat on the bench, I be­
    gan to think. I wasn t doing anything wrong or
    was I? What does a girl do when her mind is over­
    flowing with thoughts? I had to think about them,
    that s what. I wasn t going to go any further until
    I had. I tilted my head back closed my eyes.
    To be continued...
    To be continued...
    To be continued...
    To be continued...
    To be continued...
    Before I begin, here s a little disclaimer: This per­
    tains to religion. Specifically, the Catholic religion.
    Whereas I don t view religion as a taboo, some do, so I
    will be as kind as possible and honestly say this: I am
    not
    bashing, badmouthing, or slandering Catholics or
    the Catholic religion. I am, however, poking fun at
    whoever wrote this RIDICULOUS document. I used
    to simply assume that most religious folk were wise
    and kind, accepting all who live on the planet; in fact, it s
    one of the commandmends:
    Thou Shalt Love Thy
    Neighbor
    . Apparently, the individual(s) who produced
    this particular test skipped that commandment. Pre­
    pare to laugh. My comments are not in bold. The test
    itself, however, is.
    1.
    Listed below are some warning signs to
    indicate if your child may have gone astray from
    the Lord. Gothic (or Goth) is a very obscure and
    often dangerous culture that young teenagers are
    prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads
    young, susceptible minds into an imagined world
    of evil darkness, and violence. Please seek imme­
    diate attention through counseling, prayer, and pa­
    rental guidance to rid your child of Satan s
    temptatiions if five or more of the following are
    applicable to your child.
    Hee. Even the introduction got me excited. I
    knew I was about to read the single most ignorant cre­
    ation ever to grace the earth.
    2. Frequently wears black clothing.
    Honestly, if you learn anything from me, it s that
    clothes don t make a person. They seem to disregard
    the fact that most
    priests
    wear black, proving my state­
    ment even further.
    3. Wears band and/or rock t­shirts.
    Hah! Rock always seems to get the short end of
    the stick here. Do they never listen to a single rap lyric?
    Personally, I think rap is far more profane and dirty
    than any rock song (there are exceptions, and I do like
    rap, I am just making a point so don t get yourselves
    into a tizzy). Don t even get me started on all the innu­
    endo weaved into pop music.
    4. Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick,
    or nail polish.
    Well, there is definitely
    something
    wrong with your
    kid if they think black lipstick looks good (it just does
    not work for about 90% of those who wear it) but
    there s nothing wrong with a little eyeliner! Going by
    this logic, if you wear white nail polish, you ve got a
    free pass through the pearly gates. Please. Colors don t
    mean a thing, whether it s skin, clothes, or makeup.
    5. Shows an interest in piercing or tattoos.
    Well, that leaves just about 10% of the popula­
    tion non­goth according to this. What if it s a tattoo or
    an earring of a cross?
    6. Complains of boredom. Sleeps too exces­
    sively or too little. Is excessively awake during the
    night. Demands an unusual amount of privacy. Re­
    quests time alone and quietness
    . (This is so that your
    child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
    7. Insists on spending time with friends while
    unaccompanied by an adul
    t.
    Heh, no offense to parents and adults, but we
    teens would like to hang out with our friends
    without
    some parent hovering over us. It s awkward, and to let
    you in on a secret, most of us swear whether you know
    it or not. Most of us know more than you think. Al­
    most all of us have a dirty sense of humor. Hang out
    time would basically be a silent hour with awkward
    conversations if a parent or adult were nearby.
    8. Disregards authority figures; teachers,
    priests, nuns and elders are but a
    few examples of this.
    Oh come now, no adult on the planet can deny
    being rebellious in school. They should know from per­
    sonal experience kids hate being told what to do.
    9. Eats excessively or too little
    Well, that takes up the remaining 10%. Yep. All of
    America is nothing but evil Goths. Evil Goths with
    cheetos, donuts, and cheesecake...
    10. Eats goth­related foods. Count Chocula ce­
    real is an example of this.
    It was at this point where I had to walk away
    before I had an aneurysm. I suppose Franken and Boo
    Berry are conspiring with him, and only angel s food
    cake can save the day
    11.Watches cable television or any other cor­
    rupted media sources. (Ask your local church for
    proper programs your child may watch.)
    If you don t want television to mess up your kid,
    try being a good parent and teach them the difference
    between reality and fiction. They ll know you can t just
    throw open a trench coat and take out an endless sup­
    ply of weapons and watch television for what it is and
    supposed to be:
    ENTERTAINMENT.
    Anyone who
    takes it for more than that should not be allowed within
    ten miles of a television set.
    12. Uses the Internet excessively and fre­
    quently makes time for the computer.
    This takes out most college kids and every teen­
    ager on the planet basically.
    13. Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently
    shakes head to music.
    Again the writer is associating rock with the
    devil. It s called Head­Banging, by the way. Most teens
    that draw satanic symbols do it for attention. And what
    have I said before, class? Everyone knows the best at­
    tention is Negative Attention! Very good. Moving on.
    14. Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
    I was wondering when they were going to put
    this in here. Allow me to give those who agree with this
    a bit of valuable information:
    I watch IFC a lot, and it is filled with lots of great
    independent films and film shorts. One film short that I
    love to death is a spoof of the old government PSA
    about how bad it is to be gay, and it is called
    Shame
    No More
    . They even filmed it in black and white. The
    film starts out normal, set in Cherry Creek, but you
    notice one odd thing right away: everyone is in same­
    sex relationships. The entire film is based on a reversed
    universe where it s a bad thing to be straight. As I
    watched the first few minutes of this, I thought to my­
    self,
    This is so absurd!
    And I stopped. It was absurd. See, they reversed
    the gay/straight thing on purpose. You find it com­
    pletely absurd that one would think it a sin to love an­
    other from the opposite sex. And if you still believe it s
    wrong to be gay and still agree with what I have just
    said, you are a hypocrite.
    Think about that.
    If five or more of the above apply to your
    child, please intervene immediately. The
    gothic culture is dangerous, and Satan thrives
    within it. If any of these problems persist,
    enlist your child into your local mental health
    center.
    (­St. Mary s Catholic Church)
    Your Friendly
    Neighborhood Ranter
     
     
     
     
     
    The Goth T
    The Goth T
    The Goth T
    The Goth T
    The Goth T
    est
    est
    est
    est
    est
     
     
     
     
     
    Danielle Mammano, Junior
    The Funny Thing
    The Funny Thing
    The Funny Thing
    The Funny Thing
    The Funny Thing
    About War
    About War
    About War
    About War
    About War
    Chris Petty, Sophomore
    Gregory Maddock, Sophomore

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