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MANE EVENT

FEATURES

If you are planning on going to the army, air force,

or whatever remember these ten rules.

10.

The easy way is always mined.

War does not determine who is right. War de

termines who is left.

The only thing more accurate than incoming

enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

It is not known with what weapon World War

III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought

with sticks and stones.

. All fivesecond grenade fuses burn down in

three seconds.

Never forget: your weapon was made by the

lowest bidder.

. The enemy diversion you were ignoring was

the main attack.

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over

the area you just bombed.

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart

enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it,

and lucky enough to survive.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Shadows in the Light

Part 1

I slinked down the dark ally. It was just

me and the click of my heels on the ground. I

looked up and down Fifth Avenue, but I could see

nothing but a slight fog hanging over the street.

Good, I thought, Now I won t be

seen. But then again, who wanders the streets

at midnight?

I crept out of the ally and onto Fifth Av

enue. I seemed to have stepped in the pathway of

a cool autumn breeze. The air made my auburn

hair tingle. I smiled. I loved the clean, crisp air of

autumn. I must admit I was rather fond of these

types of things, perhaps the reason why I loved

Nolan Brown. For a moment, I lost my awareness

that I was out alone at midnight and enjoyed the

fresh scent of leaves turned red and gold. Sud

denly, a stack of

Frank s Seafood

crates tipped

over behind me in the ally. I jumped, and my mind

returned to the present moment. I quickly looked

behind me. Was I being watched?

It was nothing,

I said to myself.

I m

just making myself nervous.

I continued walking down the street, once

more guided by the clicking of my heels on the

ground. My heart was beating like the wings of a

hummingbird. I began to feel lightheaded, too

lightheaded to walk any further. I decided to sit

down on a bench beneath the nearest streetlight.

I felt like steam was going to whistle out of my

ears at any moment. As I sat on the bench, I be

gan to think. I wasn t doing anything wrong or

was I? What does a girl do when her mind is over

flowing with thoughts? I had to think about them,

that s what. I wasn t going to go any further until

I had. I tilted my head back closed my eyes.

To be continued...

Before I begin, here s a little disclaimer: This per

tains to religion. Specifically, the Catholic religion.

Whereas I don t view religion as a taboo, some do, so I

will be as kind as possible and honestly say this: I am

not

bashing, badmouthing, or slandering Catholics or

the Catholic religion. I am, however, poking fun at

whoever wrote this RIDICULOUS document. I used

to simply assume that most religious folk were wise

and kind, accepting all who live on the planet; in fact, it s

one of the commandmends:

Thou Shalt Love Thy

Neighbor

. Apparently, the individual(s) who produced

this particular test skipped that commandment. Pre

pare to laugh. My comments are not in bold. The test

itself, however, is.

Listed below are some warning signs to

indicate if your child may have gone astray from

the Lord. Gothic (or Goth) is a very obscure and

often dangerous culture that young teenagers are

prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads

young, susceptible minds into an imagined world

of evil darkness, and violence. Please seek imme

diate attention through counseling, prayer, and pa

rental guidance to rid your child of Satan s

temptatiions if five or more of the following are

applicable to your child.

Hee. Even the introduction got me excited. I

knew I was about to read the single most ignorant cre

ation ever to grace the earth.

2. Frequently wears black clothing.

Honestly, if you learn anything from me, it s that

clothes don t make a person. They seem to disregard

the fact that most

priests

wear black, proving my state

ment even further.

3. Wears band and/or rock tshirts.

Hah! Rock always seems to get the short end of

the stick here. Do they never listen to a single rap lyric?

Personally, I think rap is far more profane and dirty

than any rock song (there are exceptions, and I do like

rap, I am just making a point so don t get yourselves

into a tizzy). Don t even get me started on all the innu

endo weaved into pop music.

4. Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick,

or nail polish.

Well, there is definitely

something

wrong with your

kid if they think black lipstick looks good (it just does

not work for about 90% of those who wear it) but

there s nothing wrong with a little eyeliner! Going by

this logic, if you wear white nail polish, you ve got a

free pass through the pearly gates. Please. Colors don t

mean a thing, whether it s skin, clothes, or makeup.

5. Shows an interest in piercing or tattoos.

Well, that leaves just about 10% of the popula

tion nongoth according to this. What if it s a tattoo or

an earring of a cross?

6. Complains of boredom. Sleeps too exces

sively or too little. Is excessively awake during the

night. Demands an unusual amount of privacy. Re

quests time alone and quietness

. (This is so that your

child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)

7. Insists on spending time with friends while

unaccompanied by an adul

Heh, no offense to parents and adults, but we

teens would like to hang out with our friends

without

some parent hovering over us. It s awkward, and to let

you in on a secret, most of us swear whether you know

it or not. Most of us know more than you think. Al

most all of us have a dirty sense of humor. Hang out

time would basically be a silent hour with awkward

conversations if a parent or adult were nearby.

8. Disregards authority figures; teachers,

priests, nuns and elders are but a

few examples of this.

Oh come now, no adult on the planet can deny

being rebellious in school. They should know from per

sonal experience kids hate being told what to do.

9. Eats excessively or too little

Well, that takes up the remaining 10%. Yep. All of

America is nothing but evil Goths. Evil Goths with

cheetos, donuts, and cheesecake...

10. Eats gothrelated foods. Count Chocula ce

real is an example of this.

It was at this point where I had to walk away

before I had an aneurysm. I suppose Franken and Boo

Berry are conspiring with him, and only angel s food

cake can save the day

11.Watches cable television or any other cor

rupted media sources. (Ask your local church for

proper programs your child may watch.)

If you don t want television to mess up your kid,

try being a good parent and teach them the difference

between reality and fiction. They ll know you can t just

throw open a trench coat and take out an endless sup

ply of weapons and watch television for what it is and

supposed to be:

ENTERTAINMENT.

Anyone who

takes it for more than that should not be allowed within

ten miles of a television set.

12. Uses the Internet excessively and fre

quently makes time for the computer.

This takes out most college kids and every teen

ager on the planet basically.

13. Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently

shakes head to music.

Again the writer is associating rock with the

devil. It s called HeadBanging, by the way. Most teens

that draw satanic symbols do it for attention. And what

have I said before, class? Everyone knows the best at

tention is Negative Attention! Very good. Moving on.

14. Is homosexual and/or bisexual.

I was wondering when they were going to put

this in here. Allow me to give those who agree with this

a bit of valuable information:

I watch IFC a lot, and it is filled with lots of great

independent films and film shorts. One film short that I

love to death is a spoof of the old government PSA

about how bad it is to be gay, and it is called

Shame

No More

. They even filmed it in black and white. The

film starts out normal, set in Cherry Creek, but you

notice one odd thing right away: everyone is in same

sex relationships. The entire film is based on a reversed

universe where it s a bad thing to be straight. As I

watched the first few minutes of this, I thought to my

self,

This is so absurd!

And I stopped. It was absurd. See, they reversed

the gay/straight thing on purpose. You find it com

pletely absurd that one would think it a sin to love an

other from the opposite sex. And if you still believe it s

wrong to be gay and still agree with what I have just

said, you are a hypocrite.

Think about that.

If five or more of the above apply to your

child, please intervene immediately. The

gothic culture is dangerous, and Satan thrives

within it. If any of these problems persist,

enlist your child into your local mental health

center.

(St. Mary s Catholic Church)

Your Friendly

Neighborhood Ranter

The Goth T

est

Danielle Mammano, Junior

The Funny Thing

About War

Chris Petty, Sophomore

Gregory Maddock, Sophomore