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11-4-03 p.158 Writing #2

A hostile world is insensitive to the lives of teenagers. The article Crystal [HOW TO PUNC TITLES OF SHORT WORKS?] by Catherine S. Manegold, tells a story about a young girl Crystal [HOW TO PUNC PAUSING? SEE ME ABOUT APPOSITIVE.] who feels the world is very hostile. Like many teenagers, Crystal often seeks solidarity from her friends when hostility appears. Throughout the story, hostility makes Crystal unmotivated to complete high school.
At home, Crystal does not receive the attention she needs. Her parents are busy taking care of her two little sisters and working. They do not encourage Crystal to excel in school or to do her homework. “Her mother tells her to do her homework but rarely checks, and her stepfather rarely asks about it. But together they provide a raft of high-tech toys that keep Crystal occupied and unmotivated.” (Line 147) Crystal’s parents allow her to continue to use the high-tech toys, even though she is failing. They are aiding in her failure by not disciplining her. The school has attempted to help by sending home a homework planner to encourage parents to check their child’s work, but Crystal lost it. Her parents do not contact the school to get another one and avoid getting involved. They also distract Crystal by making turning on the TV when she gets home from school, and leaving in on “well into the night.” (Line 157) This shows hostility towards Crystal because they are aiding to her failure. [CLEARLY CONSTRUCTED PARAGRAPH.]
Her mother says, “I let her know that she has an independence.” (Line 184) She gives Crystal independence she has not earned. For Crystal there is no reward for doing well. They allow Crystal to play with toys before she has completed her schoolwork. They have not taught Crystal to finish her work before she gets to play. Crystal avoids her homework knowing there will not be a punishment. Her parents are not giving her the discipline she needs to excel in school and are not attempting to help her succeed.
At school, Crystal shows hostility against her classes. According to Crystal, her typical classroom situation is “boring” (Line 19). She just slumps on her desk because she already understands the material. She does not apply herself in class because she does not want to be associated with the smart kids. The students who do not receive good grades pick on the students who do. “Kids who study are all nerds. Everybody picks on them,” Crystal says. Rather than being picked on for being a smart student, Crystal would rather not apply herself and be part of the group who picks on the smart kids. [YOU VARY YOUR SENTENCE LENGTHS AND TYPES APPROPRIATELY. NEXT TIME, TRY FOR EVEN MORE SOPHISTICATED CONSTRUCTIONS.]
Crystal also does not do her work because she does not think a high school diploma is necessary. No one in her family has graduated [FROM] high school. Her parents, who do not have a high school diploma, have always provided luxuries such as TVs, radios, and CD players, while supporting four children and themselves. She feels she will be able to live just as her parents have without receiving a high school diploma. What she is unaware of are the all of the restrictions in her parent’s life. I do not think she realizes the bills they have to pay, or that having an average-paying job does not always bring in extra money for luxury items. This is hostile because Crystal’s parents do not make her aware of the hardships they sometimes face. Crystal does not know any different from what her parents have shown her, and to her it is a good enough life. If she realized their life is not as easy as it seems, maybe she would think about graduating high school to make her life simpler. [IS "SIMPLICITY" THE KEY?]
The street shows hostility against rules and school. Dropouts “hang out, do weed, drink, and do acid.” (Line 179) Crystal feels that gangs protect people. She thinks that if she drops out of school, she will have people to turn to and keep her safe. Gangs are giving her false sense of security. The solidarity she would seek from them would only leave her in trouble with the law, and possibly fatally hurt. [WHY EXPLORE THE FAMILY SITUATION AT SUCH LENGTH, WITH ITS PASSIVE HOSTILITY, AND LEAVE OUT THE DETAIL IN THE ACTIVE HOSTILITY OUTSIDE HER WALLS?]
Crystal also has her sister Colette to take care of her. Crystal seeks a sense of security from her sister. “She is the older person who always listens-and never punishes.” (Line 199) Crystal feels comfortable talking with Colette. Colette understands how tough Crystal’s situation is. [WHAT DOES THE TOPIC SENTENCE ANNOUNCE AS THE SUBJECT OF THIS PARAGRAPH? HOW DO YOU MOVE INTO THE BUSINESS OF FRIENDS?] Crystal also feels comfortable talking with her friends. When she is at lunch with her friends, she has a smile on her face. There they can trade stories and talk about what’s going on in their lives, without an adult to lecture them. After school, they trade cigarettes and gum while linking arms. They stick together in this hostile world.
The solidarity Crystal seeks from her friends and sister is helpful to a certain extent. [AHA. HERE YOU PULL THE TWO TOPICS TOGETHER.] She has the chance to stop thinking about school and her home life; it’s the only time she can smile and enjoy herself. Crystal’s friends are helping her by listening, but they do not encourage her to work hard in school. In my experience, I have learned that friends are good listeners, but are often in the same situation I am in and cannot help me. [SO?]
The solidarity Crystal seeks from Cathy Searao, her teacher for the one-on-one tutoring class, encourages her to like part of her school day. Mrs. Searao is a friend and a teacher. Crystal says, “The teacher really talks to you” and she likes the program because of that. If Crystal felt this way about all of her teachers, she would be more likely to enjoy school.
The solidarity Crystal seeks is mostly through words. [EAYAH! NO ONE ELSE HAS SUGGESTED THIS FACT. BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING TO DEVELOP THIS THOUGHT.] Her friends and sister listen to her problems, but they cannot help Crystal overcome them. Crystal needs adults to guide [AFTER ALL, WOULD THEY NOT USE WORDS TOO?] and motivate her to attain a high school diploma. With correct guidance, she will be more likely to overcome hostilities and succeed.

Works Cited

Manegold, Crystal S. “Crystal”. Findings Readings for Critical Writing.Bieze, Linda M., Margaret Roll, Paul A. Smith.Massachusetts:D.C. Heath and Company, 1996.152-158.
11.11.03
MINOR STUFF FIRST: YOU ARE THE ONLY STUDENT SO FAR WHO IS PROVIDING BIBLIOGRAPHY. GOOD FOR YOU! HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD HAVE PROVIDED IN-TEXT DOCUMENTATION FOR ALL THAT YOU BORROW, NOT JUST FOR THE QUOTES.

YOU EXAMINE THE HOSTILITY FAIRLY THOROUGHLY, ALTHOUGH AT A COUPLE OF PLACES YOU COULD HAVE VENTURED INTO FURTHER DETAIL.

YOU ALSO EXPRESS YOURSELF FLUENTLY. LET'S TRY FOR OTHER KINDS OF SENTENCES IN YOUR NEXT ESSAY. HOW ABOUT PICKING A PARAGRAPH FROM THIS ESSAY AND WORKING IT OVER WITH ME?

SEE THE RUBRIC UNDER 90, WHICH DESCRIBES FAIRLY ACCURATELY WHAT YOU HAVE ACHIEVED.